elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???