Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I did not eat the cake…
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”