Quadruple digit IQ
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.