“you changed” bro i was 15
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
What flavor cupcake are these
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going