[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come