I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
You Might Also Like
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-