My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
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Generation gap…
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
So that’s what we looked like?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog