mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
is it earth
#merica
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat