Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
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I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how