Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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how high up are we talkin’?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Bootstraps
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Meow
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.