[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Finished stitching this today 😇
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*