I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.