IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.