Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
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Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.