“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.