Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
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Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
me adding lol on a serious message
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!