My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
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Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26