My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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Husband of the year 😂
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.