Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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felt that
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in