The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The news
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.