I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
#gardening
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.