I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids