Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
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bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.