[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The news in a nutshell.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna