Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.