Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad