In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
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Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Encore…
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger