A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.