Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
twitter is a journey
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Happens to everyone.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.