Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.