HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
why he move like a hotel transylvania character