*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat