Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.