Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
It was worth a shot 😂
We’ve all been there…
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription