Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
You Might Also Like
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.