Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding