My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.