“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
You Might Also Like
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…