Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
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Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Why does laundry happen to good people?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?