I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Alexa; make it look like an accident
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.