The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
In case you needed to hear it:
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.