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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there