News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.