[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Is this you?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.