Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
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[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Candles never taste the way they smell
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.