So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Is anyone gonna tell them?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Happy thanksgiving
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows