Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I think this should do it.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”