4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[montage of me giving-up]
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*