What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
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Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
*limbos under the caution tape
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario