When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse